


Be More Chill (but it's phan)

by amooninhabitant



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Be More Chill - Freeform, Bullying, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Pining, Swearing, as in, but it's phan, maybe smut who knows, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-19 01:24:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14863997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amooninhabitant/pseuds/amooninhabitant
Summary: Have you ever thought about a phanfiction in the setting of the musical Be More Chill? No? Well I did so I decided to make one! (if you did actually think of that then of course that didn't apply to you lmao)This is basically the story of Be More Chill but with Phil as Jeremy Heere and Dan as Michael Mell. I also changed the names of the other characters because I do wanna try to give my own spin to it. If you don't know Be More Chill: it's about a boy who wants to be cool and basically fucks everything up trying to be cool with the help of a SQUIP (a computer but inside your head, inserted with a pill). It's an amazing musical and if you like them, I highly recommend listening to it!I do want to make this my own thing, but of course I didn't come up with the main ideas behind it soooo: credits to the amazing Ned Vizzini, Joe Tracz and Joe Iconis!I hope you'll enjoy this fanfiction!(Trigger warnings: so far; bullying, anxiety. I'll put a warning at the beginning of each chapter if there are any x)Also: English is not my native language so if there are any grammar mistakes or the wrong usage of words: sorry





	1. More Than Survive (part 1)

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically the story of Be More Chill but with Phil as Jeremy Heere and Dan as Michael Mell. I also changed the names of the other characters because I do wanna try to give my own spin to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: bullying, anxiety

(Phil)

 

'Come on... Come on!' Phil mumbled as he clicked the refresh button. The porn-site reloaded, but the video stayed black. He let out an annoyed groan, refreshing the page for what seemed like the 100th time. At that moment, the alarm on his phone went off.

'Of course...' He rolled his eyes and took his hand out of his underpants. He quickly wiped the lube of his hand with a tissue. Grabbing his jeans, he made a mental note to wake up earlier for the necessary start of his morning routine, or to restart the WiFi router when he gets home from school. Probably the latter option, since 6:30 AM is early enough for Phil.

After he fully dressed himself, he walked to the bathroom and bowed to splash some water in his face. When he lifted his head, his dad suddenly stood behind him. 'Dad!' Phil yelled, closing his eyes. 'Yeah?' His father replied, confused. 'I thought we talked about the pants thing!' Phil turned, his eyes still closed, and gestured to where he thought his dad was standing. When he got no reply, he sighed and opened his eyes. His father still looked confused. 'Wearing pants? Also at home?'

'Oh! That!' Phil's father chuckled and he gave his son a shoulder pat. 'We're all men in this house, Phil. Pretend like we're in the army!' A sarcastic smile appeared on Phil's face, but his dad didn't seem to notice the sarcastic part. Phil sighed again. 'Just.. Please be wearing some pants when I get home?' 'Ten-hut!' His father said, making a military movement with his hand. He walked out of the bathroom, leaving Phil on his own.

He turned again, facing himself in the mirror. 'You know it's never gonnna happen, right?' He said to his reflection.

'Believe me, I know.'

*****

Okay, bus or walking? Phil walked to the bus stop, before turning around. 'You're an easy target.' He mumbled to himself. Phil was a junior, and juniors are weak. He knew that now, after being picked on by the popular, older people. Also known as the bullies. Though there was one bully who isn't a junior, but he still seemed to dislike Phil: Jay.

Jay was that kind of person you avoid in the school corridors, while walking to your class or locker. You'd gave him one glance and he shoves you inside a locker. Phil thought it was because Jay is insecure himself. He used to be a pretty cool kid, but something changed in his behavior.

Whatever.

Phil heard the noise of a bus stopping and he looked up. He forgot he was still standing at the bus stop. He turned his head and saw that he was the only one standing there, the other people had already got in.

'What are you waiting for, kid?' The bus driver asked him, looking a bit annoyed. Phil snapped out of his thoughts and quickly walked to the door, shooting an awkward, apologizing smile to the man. 'Sorry. I-eh. Yeah.' He mentally slapped himself for not being able to socialize like a normal human being and quickly sat down on a free spot. He heard someone chuckle behind him, but didn't dare to turn around. Instead, he made himself as small as possible and hoped that this day would be over soon.

*****

Phil entered the school building. Luckily his locker was close to the main entrance, so he didn't need to walk far and be all sweaty. Phil isn't really that... sportive. He saw his locker in the distance and noticed two girls standing in front of it. When he got closer, he was able to hear the conversation they were having.

'You know what she said?'

-'Who?'

'Ugh! Lindsey, duh! Why can't you pay attention?!'

-'Oh.. Right! Sorry, Ava.'

Oh crap! Phil tried to turn around, but the hallway was getting more crowded. Those two girls were THE most popular girls of the school. Ava and Naomi. Ava was the hottest of the two, well, according to the boys. Naomi was not bad herself, but Phil believed that if she'd be more confident, she could be even hotter than Ava.

'Lindsey said that she'd only have sex with Brian if he'd beat her at pool.'

-'But Lindsey's really good at pool.'

'Exactly! You wanna know what she did?'

Naomi looked at her friend, curiosity spread across her face.

'She lost at pool, deliberately!' Ava's eyes were filled with shock and disgust. Phil saw that Naomi didn't really know how to react.

'Woah! That's.. awesome?' Wrong answer.

'Naomi!' Ava screamed, which made her smaller friend flinch a bit. 'I-eh, I mean slutty! That's so slutty!' Ava's narrow eyes were scanning Naomi, then she smiled, continuing the gossip. Phil saw a girl with long, dark blonde hair and a phone in her hand walking towards the two best friends. She opened her mouth and began to interrupt Ava: something one must never do.

'You won't believe what Lindsey did afterwards, though! She-'

'I'm telling the story, Hannah!' Ava snapped, looking at the girl with anger in her eyes. She slammed her locker shut, which made Hannah and also Phil flinch. His sudden movement made Ava turn her head, which made Phil pray he could disappear at this exact moment.

'Oh.. my god.' She looked at the petrified boy, before her eyes went down to his crotch. 'Were you getting off on that?' She said, looking at Phil's face again. Before Phil could answer, she already opened her mouth again. 'Aren't you that kid who jerks off every morning? This will be the second time in.. an hour?' Phil looked at her with big eyes. He was perplexed. This didn't go as he thought it would, but he also wasn't sure if he preferred this over his expectations.

'I-eh. N-no. My.. The.. the site wasn't worki- Why - why am I telling you this?' Phil stopped himself before he could make it any worse, but the three girls were already looking at him with furrowed brows, before they burst into laughter. Not the kind of laughter that makes you feel better about a situation.

Ava wanted to say something, but she was laughing too hard. Instead, she took Naomi's arm and walked into a different direction. Hannah quickly followed them. Phil swear he saw her doing something on her phone and he groaned internally. Knowing Hannah, he knew it would take a few hours before the whole wide internet would knew about his porn-and jerking off-addiction, because of his amazing social skills.

'Great.. Just great.'

*****

Lunch break, finally.

Phil was on his way to the cafeteria. Because he always kept his head down, he didn't really know what was in front of him. Things like this can happen, then:

'Ouch!'

Phil jumped and looked with terror in the face of the person he bumped in to: Jay. He saw the recognition on his face, before it was replaced by anger. 'Yo! Don't touch me, tall ass!' Jay snapped, grabbing Phil and turning him around aggressively. 'S-sorry! I-It was – it was an accident! Please don't... don't hit me!' Phil squeaked, holding his hands in front of his face.

Jay didn't react. Phil felt him tugging at his bag, but he was too scared to ask what he was doing. He didn't trust it, though, Jay should be beating him up at this point.

Suddenly, Jay grabbed his shoulder again and his and Phil's face were extremely close to each other. Phil could feel Jay's breath on his face, which made him extremely uncomfortable. He wanted to scream and run, but he was frozen like a statue. 'Listen,' Jay's face got even closer. 'You wash that off, you're dead.'

Before Phil could ask anything, he was shoved to the ground. Jay pointed a threatening finger at him and then walked to his friend Brain, giving him some sort of handshake.

Phil shakily stood up and wiped some dust of his jeans. He turned to go to the toilets to have a crying session, but was faced with the stunning appearance of his crush.

'Emily..' He mumbled.

The brown-haired girl heard him and turned to face Phil. 'Did you say something?'

'Eh. N-no. I-eh. I didn't.' Phil was too flabbergasted by Emily's beautiful eyes and the fact that she was talking to _him _, to mentally slap himself for again: being weird. Emily chuckled and gave him a sweet smile. Phil awkwardly stood in front of her, turning a bit to see if one of the bullies was watching them.__

 

 

'Hey!' Emily suddenly said. 'W-what?' Phil turned to her in confusion and shock. What did he do? Did he do anything? He probably did. Oh god, he didn't get a bon-

'I think someone wrote ''boyf'' on your backpack?'

Phil looked at her and all of a sudden his brain reminded him of the letter that he wrote her. If his social skills weren't already having an ongoing malfunction, then they were having it now, since Phil was at a loss for words. He mumbled something which could've also been a weird, inhuman sound, before he bolted to the cafeteria.

'Well done, Phil.' He said to himself, closing his eyes while cringing. He actually managed to say something that didn't immediately embarrassed him, but of course he had to ruin that by not even saying anything and just running away, leaving her by herself! He didn't want to know what Emily was thinking of him right now.

He opened his eyes and let them scan the cafeteria, looking for a black blob between the colorful ones. Then he saw him: sitting alone at a table with his headphone on, probably listening to Muse: his best friend.


	2. More Than Survive (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: bullying, anxiety

(Phil)

 

‘Dan!’ He yelled, making his way to his best friend. Dan looked up, which surprised Phil since he’s always listening to music on a volume level that probably isn’t good for human ears, and waved at him. Phil sat down across from him, and watched his friend playing the air guitar with his eyes closed, enjoying the music. A small smile appeared on Phil’s face. Dan always knew how to brighten his mood. Well, he probably didn’t know he does because it was just Dan being himself that made Phil happy. 

‘Muse?’ Phil asked. An confirming hum was his answer. A few seconds later, Dan pulled off his headphone and looked at Phil, giving him a big smile. ‘You’re in a good mood.’ Phil chuckled. ‘Yeah, well,’ Dan started, grabbing his slushy from 7-Eleven. ‘I guess it’s my lucky day, because not only was I given more slushy than usual, it was also given by a very cute boy.’ Dan waggled his eyebrows and grinned.

Phil laughed and shook his head. Dan had been openly gay since last year. He got some shit for it by people who thought it was ‘’weird’’ and ‘’disgusting’’, but in the end it only made him stronger. He still got some nasty comments and sometimes a push against the lockers, but it didn’t scare Dan anymore. He was proud of who is was and Phil admired him for that.

‘So what was the best part then? The extra slushy or the cute boy?’ Dan frowned and leaned with his head on his hands. ‘The boy.’ Phil looked at him with disbelief. When Dan saw his friends face, he burst out laughing, receiving some filthy looks from others which he ignored. ‘Okay, okay. The slushy. But the boy- Ugh! Don’t make me choose, you ass!’

Phil laughed along with him, almost forgetting the encounters that happened this morning. That was one of Dan’s specialties: making Phil forget about the shit in this world. He couldn’t help but think of Emily, though. His laughter became softer and his smile smaller, which Dan seemed to notice. ‘Hey, dude, what’s up?’ Phil lifted his head to look at his friend. He sighed. 

‘I wrote Emily a letter. You know, I wrote her that I like her.’ Dan’s eyes lit up. ‘But that’s good!’ A humorless chuckle escaped Phil’s lips. ‘Yeah. I tore it up.’ He turned his head, not wanting to look at Dan who was probably disappointed in him. ‘And flushed it.’

‘And flushed it?’ Dan asked at the same time Phil said it. He laughed and Phil couldn’t help but laugh too. ‘You know me too well!’ He groaned. He felt Dan pat his arm. ‘You’ll get there one day, buddy.’ Phil thought he heard a tiny bit of sadness in his voice, but he wasn’t sure. He shrugged it off.

A few seconds later the bell rang, telling the students that the break is over. Both boys had a free period now, so they decided to go to the library so Phil can help Dan with math. ‘I suck at it! I’d rather wanna suck at something else.’ Dan mumbled the last part, but Phil still heard him. ‘Dan!’ He shout in a whisper. ‘It’s true.’ Dan shrugged. Phil shook his head and grabbed his bag.

‘Hey! Wait!’ His friend suddenly said. ‘I literally haven’t even moved my feet.’ Phil said, slightly annoyed. ‘No! Come here.’ Phil frowned, but did what he asked. Dan grabbed his own back and held it next to Phil’s. That was when Phil saw it. Someone, most likely Jay, had also written something on Dan’s bag: ‘’riends’’. He looked at his own bag next to Dan’s and let out an annoyed groan when he saw which word was spelled out on the bags.

‘Boyfriends.’ Dan said, chuckling a bit. ‘You gotta admit, this is pretty creative.’

Phil didn’t see the humor in it. ‘I hate this school!’ He rubbed his face and sighed. ‘There, there.’ Dan patted his friends back. ‘You know, I heard that humanity has stopped evolving!’ Phil looked up to see if Dan was being serious, he was. 

‘Good.’ Phil nodded. ‘Very good.’ Dan smiled and turned his head. ‘Well, we were going to the library, right?’ Phil was a bit confused by his friends sudden change of subject, but he nodded and followed Dan.

While the two friends made their way to the library, Dan was talking about humanity and survival of the fittest again, so Phil knew he didn’t need to worry about him. ‘I mean, we’re losers, right? Well, fuck everyone, except you of course, because I’m proud to be one! Why do people wanna be ‘’cool’’ when you can be-’

‘Signing up for the play.’ Phil suddenly said. He stopped walking and felt Dan tugging at his arm to keep him from falling over, because he was walking behind Phil. 'Dude! Not cool. And what about getting stoned with me?’ 

‘What?’ Phil snapped out if his trance and looked at him in confusion. He saw that Dan was looking at him as well with the same confused expression. ‘No! Not that. Just-’ Phil struggled with the right words and he took a deep breath. He ignored the worried glance from his friend. 

‘Emily.’ He pointed at the girl, who was standing in front of a paper that hung on the wall. ‘She’s signing up for the play!’ Phil looked at his crush and felt himself trapped in the love-trance again, which he always got in when he saw her, even if it was only her back. ‘So, you’re gonna sign up, too?’ Dan asked, waving his hand in front of his love-struck friend. Dan’s hand gave Phil a slight jump-scare. He blinked a few times before answering.

‘I mean..’ Phil knew that signing up for the school play is basically telling everyone you’re gay, but Emily... This could be a chance to talk to her. Like, actual talking! Though that idea frightened Phil to the max, there was this little determination caused by love that made him want to sign up too. He looked at Dan, who was giving him the ‘’you should do it’’-look. 

Phil was suddenly met by not a little, but a big wave of determination. Dan noticed, because he slammed his back with a huge grin. ‘Yes Philly! Go for it!’ He smiled back and walked to the sign-up sheet. Emily was already gone, but he didn’t mind. He would see her three times a week now at play rehearsal. He wrote his name on the paper and lowered his hand, feeling a mix of anxiety and excitement. Then he heard the mocking voice of Jay behind him.

‘Gaaaaaaaay!’

It was followed by the laughter of the students who were standing in the hallway, except Dan’s. Phil felt his cheeks burning and tears welled up in his eyes. He felt the room getting smaller and he needed to get out, but he didn’t dare to turn around. Just let it pass, it’ll be over soon, he thought, trying to calm down his breathing. Luckily, the laughter faded away after a few seconds, which felt like hours.

Suddenly, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. Phil opened his eyes, which he closed apparently, and slowly turned around. Maybe it was Jay again, this time to tell him that he’s gross and stupid.

‘Phil?’ He heard a soft voice say. He recognized the owner immediately. He flew in Dan’s arms and buried his face in the crook of his neck. He felt his friends arms tightly around his back and the movement of Dan’s jaw when he spoke. ‘I’m proud of you, dude. Fuck Jay, fuck everyone who laughed. Show Emily the great actor you are.’

Phil leaned back and looked at Dan. ‘Great actor?’ He wiped away some tears that escaped. ‘Yes! I saw you act before. You have a talent, buddy.’ Dan let go of Phil and shot him a smile. A small smile appeared on Phil’s face, which made Dan chuckle. ‘Thank you, Dan. Really.’ 

‘Anytime. And now, of to play rehearsal you go! There’s a beautiful girl waiting for you!’ Phil grinned, before anxiety took over his body. ‘But.. But can I..’ ‘Yes you can do it!’ Dan laughed, holding Phil’s face to make sure he was looking at him. He quickly gave Phil's left cheek a pat before he lowered his hands. ‘And now, go! Go!’

Dan pushed Phil in the direction he needed to be and gave his friends a thumbs up. ‘You got this, Phil!’ Phil gave his friend an unsure smile, before turning around and walking to the room where hopefully his crush was. 

Play rehearsal, let’s try to survive this level.


	3. I Love Play Rehearsal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a kinda long chapter sorry lol. I hope you'll enjoy it, though!  
> Have a lovely day/evening!

(Phil)

 

Phil took a deep breath and wiped his sweaty hands off on his jeans. You got this, okay? He thought to himself. Remember what Dan said. In that room was Emily, the girl you had a crush on for… three years? Also the girl who you left in the hallway, by herself.

Phil cringed at the thought of what he did twenty minutes ago. He should probably turn around, go to the town hall to change his name and never come back. No! You promised Dan. Well, technically he didn’t, but he knew that Dan would be even more disappointed in him if he would bolt again.

He shakily lifted his hand and opened the door that lead to the rehearsal room. He saw her right away, sitting on one of the chairs, her nose in what Phil assumed was a script. Emily didn’t hear him entering the room. Phil stood awkwardly at the door, not knowing what to do. Should he say hi? Or maybe apologize for what happened before? Maybe she didn’t even mind him being weird. Oh come on, Phil. You know she did. She indeed probably did, shit.

‘Oh! Hi!’ Emily suddenly said, which made Phil jump slightly. ‘Uh, hi.’ He mumbled, not daring to look at the girl who finally noticed his presence. ‘Wait,’ Emily begun, putting down her script next to her on the empty chair. Phil then saw that they were alone and his anxiety-level rose even higher.

‘Aren’t you that guy from before?’ She didn’t sound mad, like Phil expected. She looked at him friendly, without a trace of annoyance. ‘Uh, y-yeah. Sorry about that..’ He ran his hand through his hair, not knowing what to do or how to act.

Emily chuckled. ‘Don’t worry about it.’ She then patted on the empty seat next to her, taking her script back. ‘Sit down! I won’t bite.’ Phil looked at the seat. She was inviting him to sit next to her? He thought he was going to pass out, but he still managed to sit down, making sure his leg didn’t touch hers.

‘So.. this.. this is where you meet for the play, right?’ Phil asked, fidgeting with the zipper of his bag. When he got no reaction, he looked up. Emily was staring at him with a serious face. ‘No, this is where you meet for the swim team.’ 

Of course. Of-fucking-course this was the wrong room. But what was she doing here, then? Was this all one big prank? Was Jay about to enter the room with a camera, telling Phil how dumb he is? Phil felt his cheeks getting red and he opened his mouth to apologize, but nothing came out. He was about to stand up to leave the room, but he felt a small hand grabbing his wrist, gently pulling him back.

‘I’m joking!’ Emily laughed, letting go of Phil’s wrist. He looked at his wrist before looking at the girl, who was smiling kindly at him. It was a joke. Why didn’t he see that? Emily isn’t like Jay, she would never pull a mean prank on him. He tried to ignore the warm feeling on his skin that got touched by Emily and answered with the first thing that came up in his mind.

‘Oh, well, I’m – I’m Phil!’ When he realized what he said, he cringed and turned his head, staring at the floor, wishing he could sink in it. Of course it had to be some kind of dad joke. He’d rather have no social skills than those of a dad.

Emily laughed again, which surprised Phil. ‘I know!’ She said, still with a smile on her face. Phil looked up and stared at her with confusion. ‘Y-you know?’ Emily nodded. ‘Yes, I know you!’ Phil’s crush actually knew him? She knew he existed?! Oh no, something bad was going to happen. He knew that. Life liked to prank Phil by letting good things happen, before creating a situation for the boy that was close enough to the end of the world. Well, through his eyes, then. Phil liked to exaggerate.

‘I heard that you also like acting, right?’ Emily asked, pulling Phil out if his thoughts about the world disaster that was going to happen soon.

‘Uh- yeah. I-I do.’ He nodded. ‘Where did you hear that?’ The only person in this school who knew that was… Phil sighed, burying his face in is hands. He heard Emily laugh. ‘I guess you figured it out?’ He sighed again. ‘Was it Dan? Because I swear to God…’ Emily laughed again, which was by the way the most beautiful sound Phil had ever heard, and nodded, though Phil couldn’t see that.

‘It was. He’s your friend, isn’t he?’ ‘My best friend.’ Phil answered. He looked up and smiled at Emily. He felt his nerves shrink, while thinking about Dan. Even without the boy being here, he knew how to make Phil feel at ease.

Emily smiled. ‘He told me during math. We have math together.’ Phil nodded, pretending like he didn’t know her whole school schedule by heart. Stalker much, he knew. ‘It was rather weird, actually. I guess he saw me reading one of my favorite scripts, because suddenly he whispered that you like drama, too.’ 

Punching Dan, Phil wrote on his mental to-do list. Then thanking him, though, he had to admit. Because Dan told Emily about his hobby, the hobby he was kind of embarrassed of, him and Emily had something to talk about!

A chuckle escaped Phil’s lips. ‘Sorry about that, too, then.’ ‘No need to apologize.’ Emily said. ‘He’s gay, right?’ Phil looked at Emily, searching for some kind of sign that she was about to say something mean about Dan liking boys. He knew that Emily wasn’t like that, but he couldn’t help but want to look out for his friend and to protect him, though Dan knew how to protect himself.

When Phil didn’t find any signs, he nodded. ‘I thought so!’ She said, smiling. Then that smile turned into a frown. ‘I’m sorry for him. It must be hard being openly gay with so many people being childish about it and bullying him for it.’ 

Phil didn’t know what to say, he didn’t expect her to have that opinion, but he was more than grateful for it. He nodded in agreement. ‘Indeed! He doesn’t deserve the shit he gets.’ Emily smiled, then grabbed her script again.

‘Are you nervous?’ ‘For what?’ Phil asked, feeling his anxiety rise again. ‘Play rehearsal!’ Emily said with a big smile. Before Phil could answer, she was talking again. ‘I’ll never forget my first time.’ A sigh escaped her lips. ‘Play rehearsal!’ She quickly said when she saw Phil’s confused and slightly shocked face.

‘It’s the best thing ever, honestly. I love it so much!’ Phil smiled at her, she was cute, really cute. It made his heart jump to see her this happy.

‘Whenever it’s over I feel so depressed? Not as in suicidal or anything! Just really sad. Play rehearsal is just everything to me. It’s my home, basically. Is that weird?’ She looked at Phil, who shook his head. He was a bit taken back. He never saw Emily this bubbly. Not that he was complaining, he thought it was adorable.

‘I guess it’s just my way of coping with things, you know? Like, in life so many things happen without you knowing it would. But here you have a script, you know what’s coming next. Life is much easier in rehearsal, I wish my actual life could be like that.’ She mumbled the last part, staring to the ground. Phil wanted to say something, but he couldn’t find the right words. What was happening? Was she actually opening up to him?

Emily looked up at him. ‘Do you know what I mean?’ Phil stared at the girl who suddenly became so small and quiet. His brain was thinking about something to say, but then he realized that he didn’t need his brain to answer this question. He needed his heart. 

‘Actually, I do.’ He said, and he meant it. Emily’s eyes got bigger, then she smiled. She opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the door that suddenly swung open.

A group of people entered the room, laughing and talking. The quiet atmosphere that formed, was replaced by a loud and noisy one as soon as it came. 

Phil tried to calm down from the small heart attack he got and looked at the people. When he saw who they were, he thought about ringing the fire alarm so he could escape. His heart was beating crazy fast and he felt himself becoming one with the floor, staring at it as if it was the first time he saw one. 

Damn it! Phil knew this would happen. If something good happened, that means something bad was going to happen as well! He should’ve ran away when he could. But if he did that, he and Emily wouldn’t have had that moment. Phil swore he felt a connection, but then it was ruined by them! Speaking of them, Ava, Naomi and Hannah were sitting behind him, and Jay and Brian claimed the two chairs next to Emily.

‘Since when did this room exist?’ He heard Ava ask. Before anyone could answer her question, the door opened again. This time it was Mr. Johnson, the drama teacher. When he saw the popular students, he squealed in excitement. ‘Ah! The popular children! This really is my happy day!’ 

‘What else happened, then?’ Jay asked, looking at Mr. Johnson. ‘He’s weird, dude.’ He whispered to Brain, who chuckled at his remark. Phil had to agree with Jay, Mr. Johnson was an… eccentric person. 

‘I got a free Hot Pocket today!’ The teacher said, beaming with joy. Jay stared at him as if he was joking, then rolled his eyes when he saw that he wasn’t. ‘Right.’ He mumbled, looking at Brian who was staring at Mr. Johnson as well.

‘Anyway! I’m sure you’re all curious about which play we’ll be doing?’ ‘Yes!’ Emily said excited. She was the only one. ‘I’m sure you’ve all heard about Shakespeare’s ‘’A Midsummer Night’s Dream’’?’ Mr. Johnson asked. Emily gasped. ‘No way!’ She exclaimed. ‘Indeed no way! Because we’re not doing that!’ Phil looked at the girl who's heart probably broke, her excited expression transforming into a shocked and sad one. He noticed that it must've been one of Emily’s favorites. 

‘Well, sort of.’ Mr. Johnson searched in his bag, before he took out a few scripts. ‘We’re gonna do a parody on the play. I guess you could say parody. Instead of fairies, there will be zombies!’ ‘Coooooool!’ Jay said, high-fiving Brian. ‘Indeed!’ Mr. Johnson handed out the scripts and Phil saw the disappointment in Emily’s eyes when she got hers. 

‘But don’t you care about William Shakespeare, sir?’ Mr. Johnson looked at Emily, smiled sympathetically and patted her hand. ‘The man is dead, let it go.’ ‘But-’ Emily begun, but he already walked away, shouting something about a five-minute break.

Phil saw Brian walking to Emily and he felt his heart beating fast. What was Brian going to do? He knew that Brian had a crush on her as well, but Emily wouldn’t like a guy like him, right?

‘Hey! You were in that play last year, right?’ He asked. Phil turned his head, not knowing what to do. He felt awkward sitting there, but it would be even more awkward if he stood up and left all of a sudden. He decided to stay and grabbed his phone. He wanted to text Dan, but he was too captivated by the conversation Emily and Brian were having.

‘Oh! I-eh. Yes! Romeo and Juliet.’

‘Yeaaah! You were the girl who died!’

‘You mean Juliet?’ Emily giggled nervously.

'Yeaaah! That was sad. But you were really good, though.’ Was Brian flirting with her?! Phil felt a mix of sadness and anger. Why was it so easy for Brian, but Phil had to probably sell his soul to Satan to be able to do that?

‘Thanks..’ Emily looked at her shoes, Phil saw that she was blushing.

‘I’m Brian, by the way!’

Emily looked up. ‘I know!’ She said quickly, then pulled herself together. ‘I-eh. I know.’

‘Cool! I’m happy that you’re not actually dead, you know. When you died in Oreo and Juliet, I was really sad, because I thought I’d never have the chance to talk to you again!’

Emily didn’t react. A small smile appeared on her face, which was a sign for Brian to continue. ‘Hey, me and some others are going out after school. You wanna join?’

Emily’s small smile turned into a big one. ‘Yes! I-I mean. I’d love to!’ ‘Cool!’ Brian grinned and lightly touched her arm. ‘I’m looking forward to it!’ He winked at Emily before walking out of the room. Phil and Emily were now the only two left in the room.

Phil noticed that he was holding his phone a bit too tight. His knuckles were red, so was his face. He didn’t know if it was from embarrassment or anger. 

Okay life, he thought, now you can quit with the bad things. I got the note, I’m weird and a coward and I’ll never be good enough for Emily. And on top of that, she probably doesn’t even like me back! Phil saw how Emily looked at Brian, and he saw how nervous she was around him. She liked Brian, not him. 

He thought of what Dan would say. He’d probably tell him that Phil could still try to become one of her friends. Sometimes you had to accept that you couldn’t be in a relationship with someone, but you should already be happy if you were friends with them.

‘M-Maybe the play won’t suck that bad?’ Phil said, trying to get rid of the awkward silence. He looked at Emily, but she didn’t react and was looking at her arm. Then she saw Phil who was nervously waiting for a reply.

‘I’m sorry, Phil, did you say something?’ Phil felt his heart shatter. He turned his head so Emily wouldn’t see the tears that were welling up in his eyes. He shook his head. ‘No.’ He whispered. He then heard Emily grabbing her stuff and her light footsteps. ‘Bye, Phil!’ She said, then the sound of a door that closed.

Phil buried his face in is hands and let his tears flow. Why did bad stuff always happen to him? Why couldn’t he have nice things? Of course, he had Dan, but that’s it. His mom left, he had the social skills of a paper clip, well, the paper clip had probably more than Phil, and father who didn’t know how to be a normal father. And to continue the list: here he was, crying about a girl who didn’t like him back. He was being pathetic, Phil knew that, but he couldn’t help it. He loved Emily. If this was what a heartbreak felt like, he didn’t want a heart.

He didn’t hear the door opening again and was startled by a hand on his shoulder. Phil looked up and his big, red, puffy eyes stared directly into the brown ones of his friend.


	4. The Squip Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Slight violence

(Phil)

 

‘Looks like it didn’t go right?’ Dan said, looking at his teary eyed friend. Phil scoffed. ‘It actually did, until faith decided that I can’t have nice things like a girlfriend. ‘There, there.’ Dan mumbled, taking Phil in his arms for the second time that day.

‘Sorry that you have to see me like this. Again.’ Phil said, his voice muffled because his head was leaning against Dan’s chest. ‘Don’t worry about it, I’m used to it. What was the record? Four in one day?’ ‘Fuck you.’ Phil laughed, leaning back and playfully punching his friend, who was too late to avoid Phil’s fist. ‘Hey! It’s the truth!’ Dan raised his hands in an innocent way.

Phil smiled, thankful for his friend who always knew how to make him laugh. Then his smile disappeared from his face and he stared at the ground, remembering why he was sad. He heard Dan sigh sympathetically, before Phil felt his lips gently touch the top of his head.

Phil was used to Dan kissing his head or cheek. They’ve been friends for twelve years then and being physical was one of their ways to show the affection and love they had for each other. They both knew it was platonic, the two boys were just really good friends. Best friends.

‘Wait.’ Dan begun. Phil looked up. ‘I saw the popular asses, you know, Jay, Brian, etcetera, leaving this room. Were they…’ Dan looked at him questioningly. Phil sighed and then nodded. ‘Yup. Like I said, faith wants me to be miserable forever!’ He groaned and hid his face in his hands.

‘You know what I think? I think you need some food! Come on! I don’t think the others will come back anyway.’ Phil felt Dan grab his wrist. He tried to pull back, wanting to sit here a bit longer and drown in his sorrow, but he knew that Dan wouldn’t give up that easily.

He let out a sigh for the hundred time that day, and stood up, which made Dan cheer. They walked out of the room, well, Dan pulled Phil out of the room, and made their way to the cafeteria.

‘You choose, I’ll pay, alright? And this is a one-time thing! Don’t think I’m gonna pay for all your food now.’ Dan said, grabbing his wallet out of his bag. Phil wasn’t really paying attention, though. He couldn’t stop thinking about Emily and the brief moment they shared before the popular asses, as Dan called them, ruined it. She must’ve felt it, too. Right? The feeling that you could tell anything to the other and they wouldn’t judge. That wonderful, secure and in this case, fragile feeling. But still beautiful. It was as if a tiny ball of light was forming itself, before it flew away to the darkness.

‘Dude!’ Dan suddenly said. ‘W-what?’ Phil looked around, seeing if he bumped into someone who was about to beat him into a pulp. ‘I’ve been saying your name for five times or something. And no you didn’t crash into someone, you’re good.’ Phil looked at his friend who really did know him too well.

‘Oh. Yeah. Eh- sorry.’ Phil felt his face getting hotter, that’s when he noticed that there are still some dried tears on his cheeks. He looked over Dan’s shoulder and saw one of the boys’ bathrooms. ‘I’ll be right back, okay?’ Phil said, walking towards the bathroom. He felt Dan’s eyes on his back, but tried to ignore them. Dan was probably worried about him, but Phil didn’t want him to be.

He stopped in front of the big mirror and took a good look at himself. His face was pale, except for his cheeks, those were red from the blushing. His eyes were also red. Some people would probably think that he'd smoked weed, but that was Dan's hobby. Most of them, though, would assume that Phil had cried, which he did.

Phil kind of had the reputation of The Boy Who Cries At Least Once A Day. Today, though, he didn’t want to be seen like that. His day was already going horrible and he wanted to try to make it at least a bit better.

He put his bag on the floor and splashed some water in his face. When he opened his eyes, he noticed the letters that were still on his bag. ‘You wash that off, you’re dead!’ Jay’s words echoed through his head. Phil’s eyes moved from the bag to the sink, then back to the letters that spelled BOYF.

Jay wasn’t here right now.. And he wouldn’t  _kill_  him, right? Maybe punch him but not kill him. Or maybe he’d call a truck driver to hit him? Or did Jay knew a hitman? Oh stop it, Phil. You know that’s bullshit, you’re exaggerating again. Jay was a bit of a weird guy, but he wouldn’t do that.

You know what, fuck Jay. Phil lifted his bag and placed it in the sink, grabbing some toilet paper. He made it wet and started rubbing it against the ink on his backpack. It started fading a bit, but Phil could still see the four letters.

He didn’t hear the door opening and before his brain could comprehend what happened, he was shoved against the cold wall, staring at the face of the boy who wrote the word on his bag.

‘What did I tell you?’ Jay growled, shooting a quick glance at the wet toilet paper that was now lying on the ground. Then he looked at Phil again, who could feel his heart sinking when he saw the mad look in Jay’s eyes. Maybe he could distract him somehow?

‘English class in a hour.. Ms. Reed, she’s so boring, right?’ Phil laughed nervously. ‘I’m talking to you, tall-ass!’ User used distraction, it was ineffective. Phil whimpered and held his hands in front of his face, when he saw the fist that Jay had lifted. ‘S-sorry! And.. Why.. Why do you call me that? I’m not even that tall.’ He mumbled, looking at Jay through his fingers.

‘You could be, if you didn’t look at the ground all the time, being scared.’ He let go of Phil and walked to one of the urinals, unzipping his jeans. ‘Or walking away because you’re a girl.’ He then said. Phil stopped in his tracks, feeling his cheeks getting hot. He looked at Jay and immediately turned his head again, a bit disgusted. ‘How.. how can you talk to people when you’re.. You know..’ Phil gestured at Jay who finished peeing and was zipping up his jeans. ‘Confidence.’ He said, grinning.

Then, all of a sudden, his grin disappeared and his eyes widened. He opened his mouth and started mumbling things that Phil, who was staring at the boy with wide eyes, couldn’t hear. He noticed Jay’s hands and head twitching, as if he was being controlled.

What the fuck? Phil didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure if Jay was being serious and it wouldn’t surprise him if this was a joke, if this whole day had been a joke. National Prank Phil Day. But.. that would also mean that the moment he shared with Emily wasn’t real. He shook his head, feeling himself fall into the dark pit again and turned around, lifting his hand to open the door. He was done with Jay's bullshit.

‘Wait.’ Jay suddenly said, making Phil jump. He slowly turned his head and saw that Jay was looking at him, his eyes still wide open. ‘Eh.. I just remembered that I really need to go to English..’ Phil mumbled, aware of the fact that his class starts in twenty-five minutes.

‘Don’t move.’ Jay was still staring at him, not blinking or moving.

Phil was still wondering if this was a joke, but he felt like his day couldn’t get any worse anyway so he did what Jay said and watched how he slowly shook his head, before walking towards Phil, who flinched slightly but didn’t step backwards.

‘You don’t remember me freshman year, do you?’ Phil frowned, of all the things Jay might say or ask, this wasn’t even on the list of things he expected. Freshman year? But… ‘You didn’t even go here freshman y-’ ‘SEE!’ Jay screamed, throwing his hands in the air. Phil tried his best to not scream in fear. He wanted to turn around and run away, but something in him was intrigued by Jay’s behavior.

‘You didn’t notice, like the rest of the shitheads here!’ Jay pointed at Phil, who now did slowly step away from him, and lowered his hand again. ‘I did go here freshman year. And believe it or not, but I was just like you. A loser.’ Phil wanted to say something about his insult, but he knew that it would only make things worse so he remained quiet, watching Jay who was pacing up and down.

‘I was gross, lonely, even my little friend here..’ Jay looked at his crotch. ‘- was depressed. They say how there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, right? Well, I didn’t see one. But then.. Something happened which made me not only see the light, no!’ He let out a laugh that was a bit creepy, but Phil was too interested in what he was saying to pay attention to it.

‘It was the key. It helped me out of the tunnel.’ Jay stopped talking and Phil found himself standing in front of him, eager to know what was the key was that helped Jay. He related to Jay’s words in many ways and he couldn’t imagine him being like that once. Him being like… Phil! Jay was this cool guy who wasn’t scared of anything. If he was like Phil a few years ago, that meant that Phil could change, too! He could be… cool!

Phil needed to know what helped Jay transform into who he was now, and was slightly annoyed at him not continuing his story. ‘And?’ He asked. ‘What was ‘’the key’’?’ Jay looked at him, his eyes still wide but this time of excitement.

‘I got a SQUIP.’ He then said with a big grin on his face. ‘You got what?’ ‘A SQUIP!’ Phil frowned. ‘I’ve never heard of that.’ ‘Of course you haven’t!’ Jay looked at Phil as if it was the simplest thing ever. ‘That’s the thing, it’s top-secret! You can’t find it on the internet or anything!’ He saw that Phil’s frown hasn’t left his face, and continued. ‘It’s from Japan. It’s this pill with a supercomputer inside. When you take it, it’ll implant in your brain and basically helps you with life, telling you what to do!’

Phil stared at Jay, not believing a word he just said. Damn it, Phil! Why are you so clueless?! Of course this was a joke. Jay was probably filming this somehow so he could show it to his friends and then they could all laugh at him. A supercomputer inside a  _pill_? That tells you what to do? Phil did have to give Jay some points for creativity. He could slap himself though, for not walking away when he had the chance.

‘That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.’ He said, suddenly feeling a boost of confidence, probably fed by his anger.

‘Shut up, tall ass!’ Wrong thing to say. Jay shoved Phil against the wall like a few minutes ago, grabbing his shirt and bringing his face closer to Phil’s. ‘S-sorry!’ Phil squealed, covering his face with his hands. Confidence, who? Never heard of her.

Then, all of a sudden, Jay let go of him. ‘Sorry!’ Phil lowered his hands and looked at Jay as if he just told him he was pregnant. Jay said sorry? Phil had to be dreaming, this wasn’t possible. But… if this  _was_  a dream, that would mean that all the bad stuff that happened today, actually  _didn’t_ happen! He almost started laughing, relieved, but then he saw the look on Jay’s face: serious and kind of guilty.

‘Old habits, sorry. Also for the other times I treated you like human garbage. I know this sounds ridiculous, but, it was my SQUIP! He said I had to! But now he’s saying that you might want one yourself.’ Jay looked at Phil, who realized that this wasn’t a dream but real life.

‘I mean, if you’re not interested..’ He started to turn around. ‘Wait!’ Phil said, not really knowing why he said it. His mind was still deciding if he should believe Jay, but deep down, Phil wanted it to be true. If he got a Squip.. he might become.. cool! And finally chill, not feeling anxious all the time! Phil would give anything to be like that.

Jay turned again and looked at Phil questioningly. Phil made sure the door was closed and that they were alone, before he whispered: ‘So.. it’s like… drugs?’ Jay chuckled. ‘It’s better than drugs, Phil. It helps you to be cool, to fit in. Listen, I was like you a few years ago, and look at me now! Everyone will know your name and your weekend is full of…’ He moved his hips forward and winked. Phil’s cheeks became hot, but he kept listening. Apart from the... intimate stuff, what the Squip did sounded exactly like the things Phil wanted.

‘Take it from me, dude. A Squip will literally change your life. You might be helpless and hopeless now, but with a Squip not anymore! You’ll go from a nobody to popular! I know a guy who sells them. It’s six hundred.’ Phil’s eyes widened. ‘Dollars?!’ Jay nodded. ‘But it’s worth it, man. Bring me the money next week and you’ll see.’ He grinned, before turning around and walking towards the door.

‘Aren’t you… gonna wash your hands?’ Phil asked, feeling his own hands tingle by the thought of not washing them after using the toilet. Jay sighed and let out a laugh. ‘You know what you need, Phil? A Squip!’ With that, Jay left the boy’s bathroom, leaving Phil on his own.

Phil let out his breath that he was apparently holding and turned to face himself in the mirror. ‘A Squip…’ He mumbled, smiling a bit. Maybe he could finally be cool!

Then Phil realized something that was probably the best part of having a Squip. Maybe he could finally ask out the girl of his dreams.

 


End file.
